Fear

The excitement of signing up for Ironman Chattanooga is beginning to die down, now that I have hired a coach. Now the primary emotion I feel is fear. Oh, and sleepiness. Is that an emotion? 

   I have a lot of endurance to build, and speed as well, because I'm not fast. Which leads to the weight loss I need to shed, which will to a great extent help my speed.

    Today is my 7th day in a row at work, so I know I'm just tired in general. I think I'll be ok. Just need some sleep. 

   Oh, and the scale. The stinking scale. I haven't been on the scale since September 7, and I am terrified to get on it. What if I haven't lost much weight? What if being sugar and flour free hasn't helped at all? How can an intelligent person have such a fear and anxiety over a little machine on the bathroom floor? Because for 46 years my self esteem has been tied to my weight, obviously.one day soon, I will get on the scale. Oh, I also start swim lessons this week. That's all I have for now.

Ironman Chattanooga 2014 & 2015

Wow there is so much to update about! The best two things I've experienced recently are: becoming sugar and flour free, and the Little Debbie Ironman Chattanooga. I'll blog about the sugar free thing in a separate post. 

   Volunteering and spectating the Ironman triathlon was an amazing experience. It was also very inspiring. Watching those athletes cross the finish line after 13-16.5 hours of swimming, biking and running was amazing. Congrats to all the triathletes who trained hard all year and crossed the finish line.

So. What would be perhaps the dumbest and illogical thing to do 2 days after such an emotional and inspiring day? Why, sign up for the 2015 Ironman, of course. So now I'm invested. Ironman isn't cheap. I am really invested! But, my boys and husband are supportive and I have a few good friends who are going to train with me, as well as coaches lined up. I can toe the start like next September 27 only if I work out harder this year than I ever have. My only hope of finishing by midnight is if I lose a LOT of weight, and build tons if endurance and some speed as well. 

    One day at a time, my journey to Ironman has commenced.

Goals goals goals

September 1, 2014:

So I in July I joined a Facebook page to walk/run 100 miles in a month. I didn't make it, but it was still motivating. I liked having a goal. Since I was also swimming and biking, I figured it was nearly impossible to get 100 miles on feet. So, for August I set the following goals:

Run/walk 60 miles

Swim 10,000 yards

Bike 100 miles

Lose 8 lbs 

 

Drum roll please....

I didn't reach it. Here's what my month looked like:

Ran/walk 52 miles

Swam 5,000 yards

Biked---0.  Zero!!!

Weight-- afraid of scales.

I know that compared to most of America, that was pretty good. Except I don't want to be like most of America. I want to do stupid triathlons. Why? Because they are fun, and exhilarating. Because when I cross a finish line, I feel invincible! It's a euphoric feeling that I just don't get when I'm on the couch eating nachos. Or in the car stopping at Baskin Robbins' drive thru.

Ah, this bipolar exercise/nutrition self. You can trust me with your life, and I would never steal a Percocet, but don't leave me alone with a cupcake. 

Naturally it's easy and fun and narcissistic to post in Facebook when I nail the early morning swims or the long runs in the afternoon. Not nearly as much fun to post about the Taco Bell on the way home from work, or the fact that I skipped my run to lay on the couch and watch Breaking Bad (yes, I'm a year behind everyone).

So, it's only logical to keep the same goals for September. They are not hard goals. But I have to be consistent. The hardest things for me are: obviously, eating right, and exercising on the last days of my rotation at work. This past week I exercised days 1-3, and was lazy days 4-6. Today, day 7, I'm headed to the pool, to get my first swim of the month in.

It's a journey-- and I find I enjoy the journey more when I show up for swimming, biking or running.

So in September, I will reach the exercise goals. And my weight loss goal? Only a few pounds.

To see 258 or less. (Now that took a LOT of raw honesty.)

Winter time blues and ice cream

Well, this photo sums it up:

Hahaha. I still laugh every time I see it. I sooo wish it didn't represent the last 4 months. To be quite honest, it's been a rough 4 months. As graduation from the nurse practitioner program approached, I went into full burn-out mode on diet and exercise. I quit going to my trainer, and I only ran maybe 1-2x week. But, graduation was still a highlight of my life, nonetheless.

Aren't my guys adorable? 

So fast forward to January and February. My days were filled with working full time in the ICU, studying for board exams, and applying for nurse practitioner jobs. February 5 is a highlight because I passed boards and am now a licensed and certified Adult-Gerontology Acute Care Nurse Practitioner! Yeah! Unfortunately the job search was dismal and slow. My dream of working as a hospitalist was fading quick because there weren't any openings here locally. 

The exercise just ebbed and flowed, but the eating was horrific and yet all I wanted to do was eat some more. 

Anyways..... Last week a dream came true and 5:00pm, when I received a job offer to work on the hospitalist team at the county hospital!!! Yes!! I was fortunate to do a few months of clinicals there last year and I loved it. So, my heart is overjoyed and so very, very thankful. I have my employee physical this week and should be finding out a start date soon. Yeah!!

That said, while the job thing is settled, now I'm left with a body that has gained 17 lbs, and geez I wasn't even anywhere near goal. It's time to start again. again. AGAIN.  Sadly I've lost my desire for triathlon. Ok, maybe haven't fully lost it, but it's not what it was last year. Last year I was disciplined and motivated and this year I'm 100% blah...

Then, the other day I read about a lady who lost 100 lbs and her motto was "every damn day". Every damn day she exercised. And it just resonated with me. Every damn day. I actually wrote to her because I think we need a FB group by that name. 

So... Lastly, l am registered for a half-marathon this coming weekend.  I'm not sure I can do it. I did a half-marathon last month and it was exhausting. The most I've done the last 2 weeks is 9 miles,

6 miles and 4-5 miles. So we will see. I do long to be motivated again to be strong and fit. But the struggle with food is so overwhelming at times. 

When I run or bike, or swim, I have moments of joy and I know for sure it's what I want to do--- be active, healthy and strong. And then there are moments when all I want to do is eat ice cream and play on my iPhone.

Can you relate to this struggle? How do you deal with it? What do you turn to when tired or depressed?