Fear

The excitement of signing up for Ironman Chattanooga is beginning to die down, now that I have hired a coach. Now the primary emotion I feel is fear. Oh, and sleepiness. Is that an emotion? 

   I have a lot of endurance to build, and speed as well, because I'm not fast. Which leads to the weight loss I need to shed, which will to a great extent help my speed.

    Today is my 7th day in a row at work, so I know I'm just tired in general. I think I'll be ok. Just need some sleep. 

   Oh, and the scale. The stinking scale. I haven't been on the scale since September 7, and I am terrified to get on it. What if I haven't lost much weight? What if being sugar and flour free hasn't helped at all? How can an intelligent person have such a fear and anxiety over a little machine on the bathroom floor? Because for 46 years my self esteem has been tied to my weight, obviously.one day soon, I will get on the scale. Oh, I also start swim lessons this week. That's all I have for now.

Ironman Chattanooga 2014 & 2015

Wow there is so much to update about! The best two things I've experienced recently are: becoming sugar and flour free, and the Little Debbie Ironman Chattanooga. I'll blog about the sugar free thing in a separate post. 

   Volunteering and spectating the Ironman triathlon was an amazing experience. It was also very inspiring. Watching those athletes cross the finish line after 13-16.5 hours of swimming, biking and running was amazing. Congrats to all the triathletes who trained hard all year and crossed the finish line.

So. What would be perhaps the dumbest and illogical thing to do 2 days after such an emotional and inspiring day? Why, sign up for the 2015 Ironman, of course. So now I'm invested. Ironman isn't cheap. I am really invested! But, my boys and husband are supportive and I have a few good friends who are going to train with me, as well as coaches lined up. I can toe the start like next September 27 only if I work out harder this year than I ever have. My only hope of finishing by midnight is if I lose a LOT of weight, and build tons if endurance and some speed as well. 

    One day at a time, my journey to Ironman has commenced.

Goals goals goals

September 1, 2014:

So I in July I joined a Facebook page to walk/run 100 miles in a month. I didn't make it, but it was still motivating. I liked having a goal. Since I was also swimming and biking, I figured it was nearly impossible to get 100 miles on feet. So, for August I set the following goals:

Run/walk 60 miles

Swim 10,000 yards

Bike 100 miles

Lose 8 lbs 

 

Drum roll please....

I didn't reach it. Here's what my month looked like:

Ran/walk 52 miles

Swam 5,000 yards

Biked---0.  Zero!!!

Weight-- afraid of scales.

I know that compared to most of America, that was pretty good. Except I don't want to be like most of America. I want to do stupid triathlons. Why? Because they are fun, and exhilarating. Because when I cross a finish line, I feel invincible! It's a euphoric feeling that I just don't get when I'm on the couch eating nachos. Or in the car stopping at Baskin Robbins' drive thru.

Ah, this bipolar exercise/nutrition self. You can trust me with your life, and I would never steal a Percocet, but don't leave me alone with a cupcake. 

Naturally it's easy and fun and narcissistic to post in Facebook when I nail the early morning swims or the long runs in the afternoon. Not nearly as much fun to post about the Taco Bell on the way home from work, or the fact that I skipped my run to lay on the couch and watch Breaking Bad (yes, I'm a year behind everyone).

So, it's only logical to keep the same goals for September. They are not hard goals. But I have to be consistent. The hardest things for me are: obviously, eating right, and exercising on the last days of my rotation at work. This past week I exercised days 1-3, and was lazy days 4-6. Today, day 7, I'm headed to the pool, to get my first swim of the month in.

It's a journey-- and I find I enjoy the journey more when I show up for swimming, biking or running.

So in September, I will reach the exercise goals. And my weight loss goal? Only a few pounds.

To see 258 or less. (Now that took a LOT of raw honesty.)

Winter time blues and ice cream

Well, this photo sums it up:

Hahaha. I still laugh every time I see it. I sooo wish it didn't represent the last 4 months. To be quite honest, it's been a rough 4 months. As graduation from the nurse practitioner program approached, I went into full burn-out mode on diet and exercise. I quit going to my trainer, and I only ran maybe 1-2x week. But, graduation was still a highlight of my life, nonetheless.

Aren't my guys adorable? 

So fast forward to January and February. My days were filled with working full time in the ICU, studying for board exams, and applying for nurse practitioner jobs. February 5 is a highlight because I passed boards and am now a licensed and certified Adult-Gerontology Acute Care Nurse Practitioner! Yeah! Unfortunately the job search was dismal and slow. My dream of working as a hospitalist was fading quick because there weren't any openings here locally. 

The exercise just ebbed and flowed, but the eating was horrific and yet all I wanted to do was eat some more. 

Anyways..... Last week a dream came true and 5:00pm, when I received a job offer to work on the hospitalist team at the county hospital!!! Yes!! I was fortunate to do a few months of clinicals there last year and I loved it. So, my heart is overjoyed and so very, very thankful. I have my employee physical this week and should be finding out a start date soon. Yeah!!

That said, while the job thing is settled, now I'm left with a body that has gained 17 lbs, and geez I wasn't even anywhere near goal. It's time to start again. again. AGAIN.  Sadly I've lost my desire for triathlon. Ok, maybe haven't fully lost it, but it's not what it was last year. Last year I was disciplined and motivated and this year I'm 100% blah...

Then, the other day I read about a lady who lost 100 lbs and her motto was "every damn day". Every damn day she exercised. And it just resonated with me. Every damn day. I actually wrote to her because I think we need a FB group by that name. 

So... Lastly, l am registered for a half-marathon this coming weekend.  I'm not sure I can do it. I did a half-marathon last month and it was exhausting. The most I've done the last 2 weeks is 9 miles,

6 miles and 4-5 miles. So we will see. I do long to be motivated again to be strong and fit. But the struggle with food is so overwhelming at times. 

When I run or bike, or swim, I have moments of joy and I know for sure it's what I want to do--- be active, healthy and strong. And then there are moments when all I want to do is eat ice cream and play on my iPhone.

Can you relate to this struggle? How do you deal with it? What do you turn to when tired or depressed? 

Wagons were meant for falling off of

Several things swirling thru my mind this morning. Should I start with the happy or or the hopeless? Ha. Yes, yes, yes, I have completed the requirements for my Masters degree in nursing. The only thing I lack is the nursing dedication next Tuesday and then graduation on Wednesday. So happy, so proud, so honored, so blessed. 

That said, now let's talk about the ongoing life-long struggle with food and weight and self esteem. 

When I finished my first half-marathon in October, I felt a little lost afterwards. With no immediate goal to work towards, my exercise began to fall apart. Or at least the purpose for it did. Then one fateful day (the day before Thanksgiving), I bent over to pick a pair of jeans up off the floor (housework is risky!), and felt a pop in my back. Immediately my back seized up and I could hardly move. Oh no.....  I'm not sure what made me cry-- the pain? No, I think the tears came because I knew I had just lost the ability to exercise for a while. Ugh. Took some Advil, grabbed an ice pack and went to bed.

And that was 2.5 weeks ago. I haven't run for nearly 3 weeks! Haven't biked! I did swim a few times but even that was 10 days ago. Oh em gee. My coach would send me my workout schedule regardless, accommodating the back pain, telling me to walk in the pool or use the elliptical instead of running, but do SOMETHING. With my comprehensive exam at school last week, I told my coach that I was taking time off. It sounded responsible. 

It. Sounded. Lazy.

And with the lack of exercise, and the sore back (which, while it still aches at times, is far more discouraging than it is painful), and the finishing of grad school, the food fell apart. 

Well, kinda.  

See, I would start each morning like this:

This is a work breakfast. But you get the point. Lunch was always pretty good too. 

And then every day around 3-4pm my food would fall apart. This is how it fell apart yesterday, thanks to the Nephrology docs (kidney specialists) who obviously want me to become diabetic and develop renal failure to keep them in business. :-)

Ah yes. So the best weight I've seen is 233.3 and the weight today is 239.5

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!! Truly I feel like this:

So I suppose this blog post is completely pointless, except to whine and celebrate. Pleasantly and pathetically bipolar. Yeah! I've finished my Masters degree! A dream come true!!! Boo! I'm gaining weight and my back hurts! Please, someone pass me a Prozac and throw my butt on a treadmill. 

I won't give up. You know why? Because I love love love love how I feel when I exercise. I've told my coach that I'm ready to kick it back in gear starting on Monday. And, I might just jump on the spin bike today, because why wait until Monday? 

And I will continue to start each day eating right. If some days I fall into sugar, so be it. Because its a journey, a life. It's not a short term diet. No way. There is no finish line. You reach one goal, great. Set another one. Keep going. I started this endeavor to lose weight on January 1 this year, because I didn't want to be an obese nurse practitioner. I still don't want to be. And I still am. But I'm no longer morbidly obese, and it's possible, that I might be no longer even obese by summer if I would just keep making heathy choices. And keep swimming, biking and running. Ah yes, in the process this year I fell in love with triathlon. I'm not fast, but gosh darn if i don't just love it.

Carry on, peeps. Thanks for listening.

A Thankful Thanksgiving

Since it is a national holiday I don't think we should discuss the scale. But, my friends, it is up. I'm 5-6 lbs heavier than my best weight so far. Bummer. Oh here I am discussing it. Let's move on.

2013 has been one of the best years of my life. I have much to be thankful for. Here are the top 10, and not in order of importance, just in order of how they pop into my mind as I write. :-)

1. After a 4.5 year journey, first getting my BS in nursing, then my CCRN (critical care certification), now I am 3 weeks away from having my Masters in nursing! The emphasis in acute care nurse practitioner makes me eligible to sit for boards hopefully in February, and then look for a job as a nurse practitioner. Hopefully with a hospitalist team. Im so thankful to come to the end of the schooling journey, although I have thoroughly enjoyed it.

 

2. For triathlon! To start the year at over 270 lbs and end the year with 3 triathlons, one half-marathon and a 40 lb weight loss makes for a pretty gosh darn fantabulous year!!

3. For my sweet Tony, who has put up with our messy house for 19 years and who loves me whether I'm siting on the couch reading my iPhone or whether I'm gone to the pool. He is very supportive of my triathlon endeavors. As seen recently while I was in the spin bike:

4. My firstborn son Jimmy. Jimmy is in his senior year and he works part time at Olive Garden, and I just adore him. He's a good kid (as far as I'm aware, lol) and I am eager to see these next years as he fully matures and chooses a career. 

5. Our youngest son, Jason. Our 13 year old son has so much raw talent. He sings, he plays piano and guitar and he easily gets straight As. That is, when we can peel him away from Minecraft on the computer. 

6. Lisa Anderson, my trainer and coach. Look, I know it sounds ridiculous that I, at this obese weight, have a coach. But I do. So read on. I met Lisa at a Chattanooga Triathlon Club meeting. Well, didn't really meet her per se, but she was pointed out to me as a multiple-time ironman, and also a personal trainer. So I looked her up on Facebook and asked her if she would train me. She said yes, and so twice a week since January I've gone to her house to do all sorts of strength training. In May I asked her if she would write my workouts for swimming, biking and running. So now she's my coach too! Some weeks I'm a disobedient student/trainee, what am I? But I've learned it feels a lot better both physically and mentally to just shut up and do the workouts. I'm so thankful for Lisa and all I've learned from her and for the accountability she provides.

This is Lisa with her husband Tim (on the left) and their friend, at Beach to Battleship 140.6 last month.

7. SwimBikeMom. Last February, I had heard the terms "Clydesdale" and "athena" in the triathlon world. I googled the words and one of the hits took me to Swimbikemom's blog. I found her blog down to earth, authentic and extremely funny. So I bookmarked it and occasionally went to her site to read. At the end of February I caught some virus and was sick in bed for nearly a week. During that time, I went back to Swimbikemom's very first blog post and read every single entry until I was current. What a huge dose of inspiration. I became a loyal groupie to her, bought tech shirts and a cycling outfit that all said "swimbikemom" on them. I was thrilled to actually meet her at the women's triathlon last August in Acworth, GA. Thankyou, SBM, for inspiring me daily. Check out her blog at www.swimbikemom.com

8. Drs. Liedke, Champion, and Rigsby. Dr Liedke is the acute care professor at Southern. He is a genius and even though I think he is entirely too smart in all things cellular, I have benefitted greatly from his knowledge and can only hope to one day be as intelligent as he is. Dr. Champion took me under her wing for 200 hours this year and taught me all about Emergency medicine. I loved every moment with her and in the ER. I didn't meet Dr. Rigsby until the end of my clinical hours, which is really a shame because i certainly would have spent many more hours with him. He loves hospital medicine and was so patient and  such a great teacher. I am so thankful for such great preceptors this year.

9. April Burklow! I met April in the spring, and she has been part friend and part mentor this year. We've rode bikes together, ran together and swam together. And be aware that I am slower  than her in all three, so it was really out of the kindness of her heart that she accompanied and encouraged me all season. I appreciate you April!! Thankyou!

10. My Facebook family. The encouragement and support I've had all year from everyone in Facebook land has literally kept me going. I love keeping up with everyone on fb and yes, I'm completely addicted to it. But it's because I love you all :-)

11. Of course I am thankful to my parents who are healthy and well in Michigan. I don't see them enough. But we keep the phone company in business, since they are not online.

12. God, and His son Jesus. I'm no longer sure where I stand in relationship to my beloved Seventh-day Adventist Church. While it shaped my teen years and early adulthood, I am, perhaps, left with more questions than answers. Fortunately Jesus never endorsed a church. He endorsed following Him and being a blessing to others. I'm thankful God knows my questions and understands. God, Thankyou so much for this year of health, weight loss, triathlon, education, and my family and friends. I may be in debt up to my ears (Thankyou Sallie Mae), but I am truly the richest woman. 

4 bridges half-marathon report

This is a few weeks late because I simply forgot to write it. Writing it 3 weeks late will surely take away some of the emotions, but I do want to always remember my first half-marathon. So here is my race report.

     For 2 days prior to October 20, I began to wonder what on earth I had been thinking (or drinking!) to sign up for a 13.1 mile race. My coach Lisa reassured me I would finish, and I knew i had already trained at 11-12 miles, so logic said I was ready. And, I was a bit excited too.

Tony dropped me off at Coolidge Park at 0630, and I promptly joined one of the long lines for the port-a-potty. It was very cold. I think in the upper 30's. And of course I was wearing a skort, since I don't yet have leggings to run in. 

  

I wasn't sure where to join the line at. I simply stood off to the side about 3/4 of the way back in line. When the race started, it took what felt like forever to actually start moving forward. It was fascinating. I've never been in that big of a crowd before. What an experience. The race began in the dark, and running across the Market St. Bridge was poetic.I almost stopped to take a photo, but I didn't. Mist rising up off the river, the lights on the bridge; it was so beautiful it was magical. After crossing to the south side of the river, we circled around the Aquarium and started an out and back journey on Riverfront Dr. The turnaround was at mile 3, and honestly those 3-4 miles went by very fast, because I was busy watching all of the fast runners running back towards town. Shortly after I made the turn-around, I caught up with a lady about my size. I asked her if this was her first half marathon. She said it was her 49th. What??????? 49??? It was actually supposed to be her 50th, but the race she was supposed to do a couple weeks prior had been canceled due to the government shutdown and the race ran thru a federal park. She is a university professor in Texas and she loves to run half-marathons. Talk about inspiring!

We parted company at the bathrooms, and shortly afterwards I came upon an elderly man. He was doing a light jog/walk. Seriously. Even SLOWER than me. I asked if this was his first half, and he said "Lord willing I'm doing the full, but I'll see how I feel at the turn-off". He went on to tell me that he had raced in hundreds of half and full marathons. REALLY??? These people are crazy! 

By mile 5 I was by myself and was happy to see my friend Kristin at the aid station. She kindly took this photo:

Kristin took me to my first two Chattanooga Triathlon Club meetings last fall. She kind of spear-headed this insanity 😜. After mile 5 it was up and across the Olgiati bridge. Beautiful beautiful beautiful.

Mile 6 found us winding thru the north shore again and thru Coolidge Park, and up onto Veterans Bridge. It was on Veterans bridge that I reached my first goal. I knew I could run 7 miles, so when I saw this sign, I threw a little party!

From there I did a lot of walking. I wanted to finish the race feeling wonderful, and the previous week when I had run 12 miles I experienced quite a bit of pain in my hamstrings and calves. At the risk of sounding like a whiny butt, it was very painful!! I had never experienced pain in my muscles before, and I was a bit paranoid of it happening again, thus my reason behind walking much of the last miles. Also, I might add that miles 8-10 were the most boring miles of the entire race. Just a flat stretch out Amnicola Hwy. I spent these miles alternating walking and running, and texting. Yes. Texting. 😂

Mile 10 was the turn-off, where the half-marathon turned onto the Riverwalk to head back to the finish, and the marathoners kept going. I was completely happy and pain-free and enjoying walking/running with another lady I met who recognized my Swimbikemom visor and shirt. She reads her blog too. Small world. Somewhere around mile 11 my friend April met up with me. She wasn't in the race, she was just out running on the riverwalk and was kind enough to run me in the last two miles. Run. Ha. It was mostly walking at that point. All walking? Probably.

Before I knew it, I was back to the Walnut Street Bridge. I knew I could run the remaining bit, so I quickly texted

My coach and told her I was at the bridge. And she texted back that I needed to put the phone away and run! So I did. Across the bridge, onto The north shore, then into Coolidge Park for the finish. The first familiar faces I saw were DeAnn's boys. They were looking at me as if they were trying to decide if they knew me. I stopped and said "I'm Jimmy's mom!" and Jack said "I knew it!" and went running ahead to his mom, who was awesome to get my finishing pics. Thankyou so much DeAnn!

And so, I finished. 3:24 was chip time. And you know what? That is slower than slow! I trained a little faster than that. But so what. I finished!! A half-marathon!!! Go me!!! It was a wonderful experience and I'm already signed up for my next one. Crossing the finish line, my eyes filled with tears and I experienced the same emotions I felt at the triathlons. I have been obese and sedentary for so long, and now I'm finishing a half-marathon. Wow. I'm beyond happy. I'm thankful, grateful, exuberant. 

And this concludes my race report for

my first half-marathon. It definitely won't be my last!